I’m not your friend

Activate Siri and wait too long, and it spouts out an ‘uh huh’ to let you know it’s ready to listen, like Siri’s a mate bored by even the thought of what you’re about to say. Well, you’re not my friend, Siri, you’re not even real. You’re just an AI voice assistant programmed to parrot out a stock phrase, chosen by a committee that should have had better things to do.

If Siri has to do something, what’s wrong with a quiet beep? A beep just tells me that the system’s ready; “uh huh” is too informal, and it’s annoying and distracting, particularly if it comes partway through me starting to issue a command. When that happens, I lose track of what I was about to say.

I wouldn’t be so annoyed by this if it weren’t for the fact that Siri is just so frustrating to use at times, even for the simplest of tasks. Time, in particular, seems to be an issue for Siri.

Time and time again

I recently had Siri go completely wild. I was in the bedroom, wanted to know the time, and couldn’t be bothered to open my phone or turn my head to look at the clock on the wall, so I said, “Hey Siri, time.” A phrase I’ve used with success before.

The response was to give me an overview on the concept of time, with the option of further reading on my phone. So, I tried, “Hey Siri, what time is it?”, only to get the same style of answer as before.

No combination of words would get Siri to tell me the actual time. Siri seems to have sobered up since that evening and is now answering correctly, but it’s beyond me how it could have got it so wrong even for that short period. It’s like it was having a breakdown, or I’d got Star Trek’s Captain Kirk to try and talk to it.

Even when Siri is working correctly, time isn’t its strongest point. I use the HomePod Mini to set alarms, but each different time is stored in the Home app as a different alarm that can be toggled on and off.

That’s alright, but the handling of alarms is crazy. Siri will occasionally mishear a request for an alarm, and set one for a random time of the day, adding to the list. That leads to an interaction like this (dictated live through the power of Copilot in Word).

Me: “Hey Siri, change alarm.”

Siri: “I found seven alarms. A 7:30 alarm currently off, a 7:50 alarm currently off, an 8 O’clock alarm currently off, an 8:35 alarm currently off, an 8:45 alarm currently on, a 9:10 alarm currently off or a 10 O’clock alarm currently off. Do you want one of those?”

It’s an insane response, which Siri reads without pause or thought. And, it’s also wrong. It should be “and a 10 O’clock…” not “or” for this kind of list.

If I ignore the request in abject confusion, Siri aggressively says, “Which one do you want?” waits a couple of seconds and says, “Go ahead.”

That’s preferable to answering its insane ramblings, as the conversation otherwise continues like this.

Me: “Yes.”

Siri: “Which one do you want?”

Me: “The one that’s on.”

Siri: “I found seven alarms. A 7:30 alarm currently off, a 7:50 alarm currently off, an 8 O’clock alarm currently off, an 8:35 alarm currently off, an 8:45 alarm currently on, a 9:10 alarm currently off or a 10 O’clock alarm currently off. Do you want one of those?”

Me: “Yes.”

Siri: “Which one do you want?”

Me: “The one that is on.”

Siri: “I found seven alarms. A 7:30 alarm currently off, a 7:50 alarm currently off, an 8 O’clock alarm currently off, an 8:35 alarm currently off, an 8:45 alarm currently on, a 9:10 alarm currently off or a 10 O’clock alarm currently off. Do you want one of those?”

Me: “No.”

Siri:  “I missed that, which one do you want.”

Me: “None of them, stop.”

Siri: “I found seven alarms. A 7:30 alarm currently off, a 7:50 alarm currently off, an 8 O’clock alarm currently off, an 8:35 alarm currently off, an 8:45 alarm currently on, a 9:10 alarm currently off or a 10 O’clock alarm currently off. Do you want one of those?”

Me: Grabs hammer, uses it to stop Siri.

Take the weather with you

Siri’s also rubbish at understanding soft cut-offs about the concept of tomorrow. If it’s after midnight or in the early hours of the morning, asking Alexa about the weather tomorrow works properly. Alexa understands that the tomorrow I’m asking about is the same technical day, but after I’ve had a sleep.

Siri doesn’t understand the difference. The second it’s 12am, tomorrow for Siri is the next day, and it’s confusing even if it’s technically right. That’s not artificial intelligence, that’s real stupidity.

Please make it stop

Apple’s ecosystem with music, Siri and HomePods can also be frustrating. I had two albums that I’d bought back in the day when this particular band (Dust For Life if you must know, don’t judge me) only had one album on Spotify, and the other two were only available on iTunes.

Just like how that U2 album that Apple foisted upon us, infecting iPhones everywhere (well, until Apple released a tool to kill it, which tragically didn’t go far enough in removing all traces of everything Bono and chums had performed), those Dust for Life albums seemed to be stuck in my profile forever.

An accidental touch of top of the HomePod has Siri telling me it’s shuffling my music from everywhere, blaring out a random mix of those albums. That was just about manageable until one HomePod Mini broke and started activating itself at random. There was something wrong with the touch controls on top, accidentally triggering as though touched by a finger, and there’s no way of disabling them. Yes, I tried using the accessibility options, but they only stalled the smart speaker from playing my music.

So, I used the Home app to delete the tracks, but then Siri fought back and told me that it was playing music from Apple Music 1, a free radio station that I don’t want, nor have I ever used. No pleading with Siri would make it stop. That hammer sure came in handy again.

Oh please, don’t answer on that device

My final frustration is that if my wife has her phone case open and her phone unlocked, all “Hey Siri” commands go straight to her phone, regardless of how close she’s stood to me.

I have tried every combination of settings, but I can’t make the HomePod respond as the default device. If I’m not careful, it’s my wife’s phone that ends up with the alarm set on it, rather than my HomePod.

Don’t talk to me

Siri’s irritations are a shame, because Apple Home is actually really good, particularly for quick device control and automations. It’s certainly better than the abomination that’s Google Home.

But Siri just isn’t as good as Alexa at anything. Alexa responds to questions with a bit more thought and understands context, which is why I use it for direct smart home control (plus my Echo Show 15 makes it easy to answer the Ring Doorbell without needing a phone). Apple needs to seriously boost Siri’s smarts and way of talking.